Horoscopes for 10/2/07 (or any day that ends in "y")

Aries Hey Aries, you know that ointment the doctor gave you for that embarrassing rash on your thigh? It’s not going to work.

Taurus When you awake tomorrow morning, everything you see will be framed with rainbows. Later that day, your neighbor will ask what happened to all the mushrooms from his front yard. You will shrug.

Gemini Everybody knows it by now, you might as well come out and say it. Go on, don’t be shy.

Cancer Today will bring you a flurry of thoroughly encouraging high-fives from random passersby. Channel your newfound energy into a significant work of art.

Leo Don’t give up now, Leo. With enough groveling and a pinch of luck, that fast food job is as good as yours.

Virgo Fluffy kittens and playful ponies will follow you around all day. Is it really possible for you to be unhappy at this point?

Libra In a last-ditch effort to attract members of the opposite sex, you will finally make the transition to an all-spandex wardrobe.

Scorpio You will lose sleep over a particularly tricky crossword puzzle. Hint: 8 Down has nothing to do with football.

Sagittarius All of your so-called “friends” will abandon you. Consider taking up a solitary hobby, such as ventriloquism or crying.

Capricorn You will discover the secrets of time travel, only to leave your findings somewhere in the future. Probably should have typed all that up.

Aquarius Many Eastern religious gurus have equated happiness to a higher level of self-awareness. Or maybe it’s just money.

Pisces Protesters will appear on your front lawn demanding equal employment opportunities. Don’t worry, they will settle for Snickers bars.

From 10/4/07:

Aries A baby alligator will show up on your front doorstep today and ask you to buy a subscription to a magazine. You will reach out to hand him a check and draw back a nub.

Taurus The federal government has three branches. That's not really a horoscope, but it's true. There's no denying that.

Gemini Your day will take a significant turn for the better. Here's a hint: It has to do with bubble wrap.

Cancer Enlightenment is the state of being attuned with the vastness of the universe. But wouldn't you rather just watch a rerun of "The OC"?

Leo You're a lion, Leo. Go chase down a gazelle and eat it raw.

Virgo A traveling circus ringmaster will mistakenly chase you down and lock you in a sideshow cage. Maybe it's time for a shave after all.

Libra Your falsified memoirs will reach #4 on the New York Times Bestseller List before you admit that the part about world conquest was slightly exaggerated.

Scorpio Your career as a professional snowboarder will be cut short by an unfortunate accident involving canned peas. Well, at least you still have that job at an impersonal and dehumanizing corporate office.

Sagittarius Nothing can bring you down from cloud nine today, Sagittarius. Except maybe that life-threatening infection in your left big toe. But you don't know about that yet.

Capricorn Today is the day to finally stop doing the Macarena, wearing flannel and waiting in line for a Tickle Me Elmo. Welcome to a new decade; you haven't missed much.

Aquarius You will be forcibly removed from an avant-garde poetry reading after asking every performer why they didn't rhyme.

Pisces Pants… Who needs 'em, right? Actually, you do. Cover yourself before you go outside.