Language desperately needs help
English grammar suffers as people drop commas; 'they' kills proper writing
By: Paul Bowers
Posted: 11/3/08
Writing from the dark recesses of Punctuation Laboratory, the Grammavenger has a few bones to pick with you.
It's not that you are solely responsible for the dismal state of English in its common use. However, in the trial to come after the language is finally murdered, you may be charged as an accessory to the crime.
If you are as passionate about this topic as is the Grammavenger - if you've ever pined for a participle or caressed a comma's curve - then you may be wondering what can be done for the sake of our native tongue.
At this juncture, perhaps the most important thing you can do is to be mindful of your own English usage. I am not here concerned with the spoken language; that is another topic for another day.
No, my fellow soldier for syntax, the arena where this battle must be fought is the written word. Whether you find yourself writing a formal essay, composing an electronic mail item or even sending a simple text message, you must be ever vigilant.
Certain concerns have robbed yours truly of sleep in recent days, and the conclusion I have reached is that we must each take our stand against them.
One mistake that haunts the written language wherever I turn is the use of "they" as a singular pronoun. Consider the following hypothetical example: "An unidentified scalawag left a flaming bag of canine excrement on the front steps of the State House yesterday, and they could not be apprehended by police officers at the scene."
The writer is here attempting to deal with a common grammatical conundrum: Since the gender of this sentence's subject ("scalawag") is not known, the subject cannot be replaced with either "he" or "she" in its second reference. The pronoun "they," while gender-neutral, does not work here because it is plural.
What can a grammatically righteous writer conscionably do in this situation? One solution is to replace "they" with the inclusive phrase "he or she," but the result is simply awkward. Think for a minute of how you would feel if someone could not determine your gender at a glance. Scalawag or not, this is often a serious self-esteem blow.
Oftentimes, the most expedient solution in such a case is to rearrange the sentence altogether. Observe the revision: "Police officers failed to apprehend an unidentified scalawag who left a flaming bag of canine excrement on the front steps of the State House yesterday." In this version, the message remains intact, but the subject's gender is not called into question.
Beware the pitfalls of "they." When editing your own work (and I here assume that you reread all writings before making them public), pay close attention and do not succumb to its temptation.
English is not a dead language yet, dear wordsmith. It is ours to protect, and it is safe to assume the Grammavenger will return to address further travesties.
In the meantime, don't forget to spay and neuter your semicolons.